Diigo bookmarks 07/05/2008 July 5, 2008
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The Shape of Days: How do you put a title on something like this?
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I need to feel like I matter. Like the things I do have meaning. Like people are affected by me in a positive way. I need constant reassurance. It’s pretty pathetic, really. Emotionally, I’m a lot like I child. I need positive attention, and when I’m not getting it — even for just an hour — I feel like I don’t deserve it and will never have it again.
A defining characteristic of people like me is that we’re incapable of seeking positive attention in socially acceptable ways. “Hey, do you wanna go see a movie?” is impossible for me, because all my brain allows me to see are the obstacles in the way. Of course you don’t want to go see a movie with me. I’m a pain in the ass. I’m impossible to be around. I react strangely — intensely positively or intensely negatively — to anything that happens. Of course you don’t want to sit next to me in a dark movie theater for an hour and a half. Obviously. And if you say no? If you’re not interested in seeing a movie, or you have other plans? Well, that just confirms everything I suspected all along.
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